Well, it happened...I had a REAL bad day. The second day we were here we went to look for a house/townhouse. Every time we found something we liked and got excited- we would be rejected because of our lack of current employment. I should have expected as much...but I anticipated doors to be flung open once we got here. But that didn't happen. In fact, all doors that we have tried up until today (Tuesday- 8/11) have been closed or never opened. Josh is amazing. He takes everything in stride, it takes much more for him to get discouraged. But me, that is another story... There are 2 visions inside my head: one is full of hope, beauty and peace, the other is full of failure and fear. Every time my thoughts go to the vision of fear, I stop myself (take my thoughts captive). But I must admit, there is fear. It amazes me that I can have so much faith and so much doubt that co-exist.
So, this is the story thus far. We have to return the truck tomorrow. Yes- all of our stuff has been on a truck for a week (awesome). :) We have no place to put it, so we are putting it in storage (free for a month). We are staying at a wonderful couples home, Bruce & Joyce Ball. They are incredible with our kids, and completely perfect hosts. They have offered for us to stay at their home as long as we need. This has humbled me more than I ever anticipated to ever be humbled. I do not want to inconvenience these wonderful people anymore than I already have, but the simple fact is...we have no where to go.
So, what I have learned: God has provided for our family. God has not provided in ways I would prefer. :) But I cannot deny, there is food in our stomachs, and a roof over our head. This has caused me to dig deeper into myself, in a place I would have rather not disturbed. My source. My comfort. My peace. Where does this come from? Does it come from a sense of ownership in where I lay my head? A job? A flat screen TV or a certain amount of square footage? As I had these thoughts, God said two things to me. The first was: "I want to be your source. I want to be your only source." and the second was a verse:
"The foxes have holes and the birds of the air have nests, but the Son of Man has nowhere to lay His head." Matthew 8:20
Jesus had no home of his own, but he stayed with people that were blessed to have him. And he was able to bless them by staying. And since my situation is only temporary...there is no shame in it. Just because my pride is screaming shrilly about it, doesn't mean it wasn't what God always intended.
I will end with this thought, in which I find GREAT comfort. Incredible men and women of God that came before me had complete screw ups. Abram lied about his wife, Sarai manipulated, Jacob deceived, David had a man murdered; but God did amazing things through them. So I know I am not a lost cause... :)