Sunday, February 26, 2012

Insecurity: Part 2

        I am not sure if it is just me, but it seems many times in my life I find myself swinging from one extreme to another.  Almost like I notice that something in my life needs to be corrected, but in an effort to fix it, I swing to the opposite extreme, and once again find myself in error. 
Please tell me it isn't just me.

       I see this in my mind like a swinging pendulum (with security and insecurity on opposite sides).  What is most frustrating is this is an area of my life I have felt healed and set free from, just to find I only had half the answer.  

      Now that I have graduated from Bible college, have studied and have lived (and survived!) a God adventure, I have plenty to say and do.  I can lead bible studies with my eyes closed, lead worship without even blinking, and have so much I want to encourage others with.  I think to myself, THIS is security.  But wait.  They didn't call on me.  They didn't ask my opinion.  They didn't ask for my deep and meaningful revelation.  How dare they.  And there it is again.  Insecurity.   So masked this time that I thought it was security.  Sneaky.


Insecurity: Part 1

I tried...I really tried to get this into one blog.  Shorten it.  Couldn't do it.  So sorry.  I understand that it can be a commitment to read an entire blog.  But I sincerely write these 2 blogs with the desire to encourage those going through the same struggles I have. 

Let me go back about...5 years.  I was a struggling new mom, money was tight and I went to a ladies/mom meeting hoping for some encouragement and new friends.  I was by far the least stylish woman in the room.  My clothes were old, I still had baby weight, and my new son had a stained bib.  I remember feeling like I wanted to disappear.  Not that I was shunned by ANYONE because of my appearance.  In fact I was treated warmly.  But it didn't matter.  The way I felt inside they might as well spit in my face.  The point was it had NOTHING to do with them.  It had EVERYTHING to do with me. 
I found myself jealous, embarrassed and even had moments of contempt.  I wanted to sing better, speak better, be a better Christian, look better, and have better looking children than every women in that room.    Of course, I was equally petrified that I would be asked to sing, speak or the like, since I didn't feel I had ANYTHING of significance to say.  This was the day the Lord started me on a journey from insecurity. 

The first thing I began to notice is that even the most put together women I knew seem to be struggling with the same insecurities I was.  This blew my mind.  This showed me that it really had nothing to do with your outer appearance, but more to do with how you perceive yourself.   Which lead me to the second profound revelation: Who/What is telling you who you are?  Have you, like myself, let so many others tell you who you are?  {Maybe even including yourself} Have you for years been explaining to the Lord why you CAN'T do certain things.  I remember hearing the Lord say to my spirit, "When are you going to stop telling me what you are capable of, and start letting Me tell you what I made you for?" wow.

The Grace message also played a heavy part in setting me free from insecurity.  The simple fact that the Love and favor I could experience from God had absolutely, positively nothing(!) to do with what a mess I am.  What a blessing!!

So over the next 3 years, I radically changed.  The Lord help me to see what He made me for, and I was no longer in competition with the women around me.  I knew who I was, and was comfortable in that.  Praise God!  However, I thought the chapter "Insecurity" was closed.  No. such. luck.