Friday, July 30, 2010

Welcome to the desert of the Numb

The biggest, or most felt emotion I have experienced through this adventure is numbness. Not depression, frustration, aggravation or any other negative emotion. Just being numb.

I don't even mean for it to happen. Survival mode kicks in- you revert directly to flesh and you don't indulge in pessimistic thoughts. You just start to shut down. You go through the motions of life. Cook food, clean things, bathe children, mechanically go through your day. But your passion gets sucked from you and before you know it, you don't care that you are numb. In fact it feels "normal"- comfortable.
No time or thought for romance or bonding with your children, you just want to have enough energy to finish the dishes.

I wonder, often, how Paul did it? How did he find himself in situations and sing? Singing to God does make me feel better. Praise is an escape from myself. But many times I instead grab a cookie.

Taking walks are so cathartic for me. I clear my mind, talk to God and listen to my quiet footsteps. I was talking to God about this numbness I allow myself sometimes to succumb to. And two very clear thoughts entered my mind:
1) Defense Mechanism. I use numbness as a way of coping with stress, anxiety, or lack of control.
2) Was a verse.
"He also that received seed among the thorns is he that heareth the word; and the care of this world, and the deceitfulness of riches, choke the word, and he becometh unfruitful." Matthew 13:22

the care of this world. Thorns. Spiritual novocaine.
Someone with a hard heart has a difficult time hearing the voice of God. So, right now God is speaking to me...but I am so concerned with the cable bill that I am not able to hear. And how do you get a hard heart? Slowly. With many defense mechanisms. A shallow "protection" of your heart. How foolish it all is. What are a few hardships and unexpected bumps in comparison to eternity? The very hope I have in overcoming the hardships are choked in the hardships.

A clever deception. Okay, devil...I am not going there with you. I desire a soft heart. I will focus on the spirit and not the flesh. Flesh is death. Spirit is life and peace. Oh yes, and I will sing.