Friday, January 15, 2010

Storm 6/16/03

I wrote this in 2003, and just found it on an old computer. Although, my theology has changed- and in 2010 I believe we are supposed to stop the storm with our words...I am still amazed at how much of it applies to me now...however, thank God- the goal, now, is clear.

My heart is filled with pain. I feel so empty, like without destiny I am a shell. There is no goal, no direction, no clear path for me to follow. I know it will come; I have no doubt of that. But what do I do for now? It is like being frozen, like being on my death bed-but not yet passed onto the next realm. I want so badly to move on, but still I linger. Why is this happening? All I can do is wait, and tell myself to keep breathing, keep getting up each day to more disappointment. I don't want this to defeat me, this will not defeat me. My life has been too short for something so menial to defeat me. And if it's so menial, why am I so bent? How has this affected me so much?
Storm. What is a storm? It is something out of your control, something powerful, frightening. You never stop the storm, where would be the growth in that? You ask me to rise above it, to come out and walk on the water. I am so afraid, but I am sick of sitting in the boat. Sick of being tossed around by the wind. Sitting there in a lack of faith and hopelessness, not able to do anything but allow myself to be effected by the storm. I don't care what I see, and I don't care what I hear, I will get out of the boat, and obey your beckoning. And I will rise above this storm. I have beaten my flesh so that it cannot rise up against my spirit, however much it tries. Beautiful storm. It has allowed my spirit to be strong.